THE SPIRIT.
With our spirits we communicate with God. Where do we "place" the soul in our "being"?  Many confuse the soul with the spirit and for this reason we will look briefly at the human spirit.  God the Father is Spirit (John 4:24).  God is the Father of our spirits (Hebrews 12:9).  The first man, Adam was created with a spirit which "died" when Adam "fell" (Genesis 2:17).  This was a spiritual death which is being cut off from God.  It was rendered inert.  When we are born again (John Chapter 3) we are born of God from above.  Our spirit becomes alive and we are able to relate to God.

God communicates with us through our spirit.  It is almost like checks and releases and if we will listen, God guides us this way.  He inspires us through our spirit.  Ephesians 2:6 tells us we are seated with God in heavenly places already - this is our spirit.  Without our live spirits man cannot spiritually discern which is why spiritual things are foolishness to the world.  In the spirit we have been saved.

THE BODY.
With our bodies we communicate physically. The physical realm is easy to understand.  The body houses the soul.  The body ages and along with it the soul appears to age as one's senses and reason dulls.  This is because the body houses the soul and as it ages is limits the soul.  The brain dulls and so with it one's intellect.

The soul has a great effect on the body it lives in.  This is more noticeable in a person's face.  Laugh lines, anxieties, worry, bad temper and so on all show on the face.  We all know of the physical diseases the "mind" can bring about in the body.  Finally, the soul departs from the body and thus renders it a lifeless shell.  In the body we will be saved.

THE SOUL.
With our soul we communicate with each other emotionally and intellectually.  This study is concerned with the soul.  That part of the body which makes each of us unique.  It is our mind, will and emotions.  We relate to one another through our soul area.  We grow through our soul area.  In the soul we are being saved.

If you can think of a test tube and imagine the bottom part to be your spirit, the middle bit your soul and the top bit your body.  This illustrates how we triune beings work.  Looking down into the test tube from the top we can see the body only.  Hidden away beneath that is the soul but deep within and hidden by the soul, is the spirit.
 

UNDERSTANDING THE SOUL.

The soul is a complex emotional package as we shall see.  The soul is our outlook on life, our attitude and our abilities.  Our soul determines how we relate to others.  It determines how we achieve at school, not exclusively but our will, our tenacity and commitment play a huge part.  Our soul includes our intellect which is our faculty of thinking, reasoning and acquiring and applying knowledge.  Our emotions have a great effect on this.  Indeed our emotions have a great effect on everything we undertake.

We are all emotional packages.  They effect every part and every day of our lives.  This is our soul.  However, if we let our soul and it's emotions, get entangled in the way we try and hear God through our spirit, we end up with confusion and this is the root cause of so many disagreements in the church.  This is the root of deception.  To avoid this is the purpose of this study.  By understanding the soul we will be able to discern those things that come from the soul and those that come from God via our spirit.

WHEN CHRISTIAN'S EMOTIONS TAKE OVER WATCH OUT FOR THE INEVITABLE DECEPTION THAT FOLLOWS.

I WANT TO SHOW YOU NOW HOW YOU CAN RECOGNISE AND DEAL WITH EMOTIONS.  IT WILL STRENGTHEN YOUR ABILITY TO RELATE TO OTHER CHRISTIANS, WIVES, HUSBANDS AND CHILDREN.  AS A SPIN OFF IT WILL HELP YOU TO RELATE TO COLLEAGUES AT WORK.

NEEDS OF OTHERS.
We all have needs.  We have general and specific needs.  General needs are common to all - specific needs are unique to each personality type.  We're not going to look at how we satisfy each others objective needs - that is obvious.  We're going to see how you can satisfy others psychological needs.  This will make you popular and be able to get along with others better.

GENERAL NEEDS.
We all want to feel the other person is showing concern for our welfare.  We all want and need respect and to feel the other person genuinely cares about us.  If you doubt this think how you relate to your doctor.  You choose the one with a good "bedside manner" because he seems to genuinely care but he may be a poor doctor.  I have a superb young lady doctor who sits and holds my hand!  My wife feels sure she is taking my pulse but I prefer not to believe that! We need to communicate sincere concern for others.  This makes you popular by creating a good relationship.  If you do not others will not trust you and without trust you are in a weak position.

People are fleshy!  We live in this world although we are not supposed to be part of it, it is difficult to avoid it at times.  We want others to solve our problems in the way they relate to us.

LISTEN TO THE PROBLEMS OF OTHERS.  People want you to understand their problems.  EVERYONE IS HUNGRY FOR UNDERSTANDING.  If you listen to the problems of others they will look forward to seeing you.

CREATING THE RIGHT ATMOSPHERE.

Help others to overcome their problems.  If you have confidence in yourself then others will more likely have confidence in you.  This will create a mutual problem solving atmosphere.  If you genuinely believe in your message, others are more likely to believe too.  It is no good walking around with a banner saying, "Jesus saves (I think)"  Don't be defensive about being a Christian otherwise others will feel uncomfortable.  Build a continuous relationship with Jesus and build a mutual problem solving atmosphere with other people.
 

SPECIFIC NEEDS OF OTHERS.
 

THERE ARE THREE BASIC PERSONALITY TYPES.  THESE ARE THE WAYS PEOPLE RELATE TO EACH OTHER.

1. POWER PEOPLE are hostile and aggressive to others.

2. WARMTH PEOPLE are friendly and warm to others.

3. DISTANCE PEOPLE move away from others with indifference and aloofness.

In this study we are going to develop a firm understanding of this basic behavioural science.
 

BASIC PRINCIPLES:

Although most people are primarily motivated by POWER, WARMTH or DISTANCE we often act in all three ways from time to time.  We can even act in all three ways with the same person in the same meeting!  Those with well balanced personalities will relate flexibly and effectively.  Some people act in ways that make themselves feel more comfortable.  However, few people posses ALL the following extreme characteristics.

I WILL DESCRIBE EXTREME PERSONALITIES AND HOW THEY RELATE TO OTHERS FOR A QUICKER UNDERSTANDING:
 

POWER PEOPLE:

Ambitious.
Tough.
Manipulative.
Insensitive.
Overbearing.
Anti-intellectual.
Controllers..
Close-minded.
Aggressive.
Dominant.

POWER people are very competitive - they have to win.  They need to have a bigger car, larger house, higher salary, lower golf handicap and score more points than anyone else.  When they meet someone they ask themselves if they have a bigger car, larger house, higher salary etc.

Everything is a contest!  Because of this they cannot afford to think about the feelings of others or abstract subjects.  It distracts their attention from the only thing that matters - WINNING!

THEY WILL DO ANYTHING TO WIN!  They will cut corners.  They will be dishonest and cheat rather than be defeated.  Yet they will try and avoid cheating if possible because this taints victory.  As we all judge others by our own standards POWER people assume others would do anything to win and therefore distrust others.  They are afraid of losing.

They are afraid of weakness in themselves and having to rely on others.  They are therefore independent and individualistic.  They do things their own way.  Following procedures, taking advice and orders are defeats.

When POWER people meet - it is war!  They say:  "It's either him or me."  This is why you rarely get two dominant people working together.  They would be competing with each other all the time.  IT IS NOT WISE TO PUT TWO BULLS TOGETHER!

POWER people dominate WARMTH people and despise and bully them.  They gather around them people they can push around.

POWER people really have a problem with DISTANCE people.  They find them frustrating.  POWER people can stand many things because they are insensitive but they cannot stand being ignored and DISTANCE people ignore everyone.  POWER people become more aggressive when this happens which in turn causes DISTANCE people to withdraw even more.  Finally, POWER people give up with them.

POWER PEOPLE'S REACTION TO OTHERS:

They distrust others and are afraid of being exploited and defeated.  Yet they like to interact with others because they find it stimulating.  They enjoy the battle of wits with other POWER people and they can bully WARMTH people although they have been known to throw them a bone once or twice just to boost their own ego!  They think:  "Are you good enough to debate with me?"  "Are you important enough to be talking to me on the same level?"  Have they a big enough car/ house etc?  They want to deal with the boss.  This also boosts their own ego.

WHAT IS YOUR MOST EFFECTIVE APPROACH TO POWER PEOPLE?

SMOOTH DOMINANCE!

You have to prove you are good enough to be interacting with them.  Skilfully show you are tough enough and competent without appearing to challenge them.

TYPICAL POWER PEOPLE ARE:
Politicians - the best example of dominant people interacting is Prime Minister's Question Time in the British House of Commons and the interaction between the PM and the Leader of the Opposition.  Most Prime Ministers have been very dominant, particularly Mrs Thatcher, Harold Wilson, Tony Blair, Sir Winston Churchill and many others.

Other examples are leaders of industry, trades unions - in fact POWER people love power!  Leaders in history were dominant people.  Wellington, Napoleon, Stalin, Queen Elizabeth Tudor, most of the US Presidents and leaders of other countries.  I could go on.

Many Pastors I have met have a liberal amount of dominance in their personality.  POWER people, whether they are Christians or not, have to be in charge so it is POWER people who push to be the leaders!  One pastor I know became quite angry when I suggested he was wrong in preaching that "his flock" could lose their salvation (see my study on this web site).  I had, politely and in private, told him my views but he had seen this as a challenge to his authority. In other words his soul area was ruling him, not the Holy Spirit through his spirit.

My wife and I visited another pastor of a Christian fellowship and organisation.  He invited us to sit down whilst he, "finished off some work", so we watched him for 15 or 20 minutes at his large desk (POWER people have to have a larger desk than anyone else too!) whilst he performed to impress us with telephone calls, dictating letters and telling off an individual.  A friend who is himself fairly but smoothly, dominant, went to work for him and it ended in difficulty and he left saying the pastor demanded total submission "to his vision". Again he was ruled by his soul area.
 

WARMTH PEOPLE:

They need:
Approval from others.
Acceptance.
Love.
Understanding.
Warmth.
Friendship.

They are:
Warm.
Friendly.
Sincerely interested in other people.
Co-operative.
Compliant.
Sensitive to the needs of others.
Good listeners.
Givers.
Socialites, happy to be part of a group.

They will do almost anything to make people like them.  They will help others, especially those who will reward them with warmth and friendliness.  This makes them popular.

Extreme WARMTH people feel so insecure that they constantly seek reassurance.  They can be so demanding and exhausting that others withdraw.  Eventually relationships breakdown.

They are easy to exploit and manipulate because of their insecurity.  They are afraid of being alone, of hostility (especially their own), of rejection, of conflict and of competition.  Jealousy can also be a big problem.

WARMTH people relate well to other WARMTH people.  They understand their needs.

WARMTH people allow POWER people to bully them.  Even this bullying increases their sense of security and therefore they prefer it to being ignored.

WARMTH people are really frustrated by DISTANCE people.  WARMTH people need to get close to others.  DISTANCE people want to keep away and remain aloof.  The more WARMTH people push to get closer, the more DISTANCE people withdraw until either the relationship breaks down or the WARMTH people give up.
 

WARMTH PEOPLE'S REACTION TO OTHERS:

WARMTH people are the easiest with which to interact.  They will not reject you openly and they like meeting people.  However, deep down they're asking if you really care about them or are you just being nice to get what you want?  Even if they disagree with you they will not show it openly, indeed they will agree with your point of view if you are an old friend or a young person trying to get on in the world.
 

WHAT IS YOUR MOST EFFECTIVE APPROACH TO WARMTH PEOPLE?

FRIENDLY DOMINANCE!

You will have to firmly keep control of the conversation or interaction whilst convincing them of your sincerity.  They need to be gently pushed along in, say, an interview but they will need to feel you are pushing them for their own good.
 

DISTANCE PEOPLE:

Shy.
Aloof.
They do not understand emotions and avoid them.
Uncommunicative.
Impersonal.
Factual.
Logical.
Afraid of intermacy, dependency and unpredictability.
They like ideas and numbers, order and predictability.
Their desks, homes and finances are ordered.

They are uncomfortable with people who they avoid because they are not as predictable as machines or numbers.  They are independent and therefore do not have need of people.  They will avoid people who attempt to control them directly.

They have no problem with authority providing it is impersonal.  It is logical to accept rules and procedures!  In a position of authority they do not flaunt it.

Facts, logic and objectivity appeal to these people.

If someone challenges their position they do not respond angrily but try to look at the facts objectively and logically.  If the data requires change they will change.

DISTANCE people think in boxes.  They deal with one box before moving to the next.  Only when one box is complete will this take place.  Therefore they find difficulty dealing with many things at the same time but do not mistake this for lack of intelligence, it is just the way they think.  However, if it can be shown to them that productivity could be improved by operating in two boxes at a time they will adopt it with difficulty.

They often take to working in fields such as; accounting, statistics, management sciences, physics, engineering or chemistry as these require objective, impersonal analysis.

DISTANCE people relate well to other DISTANCE people.  The relationship is comfortable but distant.

DISTANCE people feel anger, fear, hostility and contempt towards WARMTH people.  They regard them as illogical and emotional.  They are frightened by the attempts of WARMTH people to get close and make demands on them.

DISTANCE people are really negative about POWER people.  They think they are emotional and illogical bullies and avoid them whenever possible.
 

DISTANCE PEOPLE'S REACTION TO OTHERS:

They distrust and dislike interaction with others.  They regard it as an imposition and avoid it.  They have no need for people.  All they want to know is what are the facts?  Deep down they are asking if you are objective, logical and factual or are you going to intrude on their privacy.  They hate being pushed and pressured and hate emotions and personalities.

YOUR MOST EFFECTIVE APPROACH:

Remain logical, impersonal and factual.  Let these speak for themselves.
 

THE IDEAL PERSONALITY:

What is the ideal personality?   This is a reasonable question to ask.  The three caricatures discussed above are extremes and few people have personalities this extreme.  However, we all are predominantly one or the other.  They ideal personality assessment would be 33.3% POWER, 33.3% WARMTH and 33.3% DISTANCE.  This enables the person to relate flexibly.  My own was assessed many years ago as 34%/28%/38% yet I would have thought I was more of a DISTANCE person than this assessment.  That is another lesson - we see ourselves different to what we really are.  Each of the caricatures above is 100% one or the other!  The average person will relate differently to certain people depending to whom he is talking.  For example at work they would be more likely to relate downwards to subordinate colleagues in a POWER way but upwards to the boss in a WARMTH way.
 

COMPARISON OF PERSONALITIES:

GENERAL INTERACTION WITH OTHERS:

POWER people are generally competitive and high pressured.  They take control straight away to show who is the boss and are hard hitting and well organised.  Planning and diagnosis is a weakness of POWER people which can be superficial or even ignored as they assume they know what is needed.  If someone objects to their point of view they rarely analyse the objection but instead they argue, pressure and overwhelm with facts.  Getting their own way is the ultimate victory and they will apply great pressure to do this.  They have to win!  Their follow up is rare and superficial.  They prefer to move on to the next battle.

WARMTH people are friendly and show they like others.  They home in on the "person" rather than objective needs and will wander in their conversation.  They can aquire a great deal of irrelevant information.  Pleasant conversation is one of their delights and will prolong it rather than get down to business for example.  Even when they do they can be long and vague and will avoid controversial points not wanting anything to upset the friendly atmosphere.  They are good listeners and are sympathetic but will not use pressure.  Getting their own way is their greatest weakness and will not push for it.  They don't want to turn a pleasant chat into an unpleasant confrontation.  Following up is their great strength since they prefer established relationships rather than risk rejection with new people.

DISTANCE people generally do not seek to interact with others because they are impersonal, factual, logical and low pressured.  Emotions are the deadly sin and they avoid them.  Their interactions lack any emotional appeal at all and will therefore be less appealing to others.  If a DISTANCE person gave a lecture their delivery would probably be long, focus on facts and be boring but their content would be good.  If someone objected to their argument they would listen and respond to a reasonable statement of facts.  They cannot cope with hidden or false objections as they do not understand their emotional base.  They are good planners and analysts.  They are not good at getting others to make a decision.  Their follow up can be good but impersonal.
 

COPING WITH EMOTIONS:

Emotions are neither good nor bad but they are extremely important and we ignore them at our peril!  Ignoring emotions will not make them go away, all it will do is weaken your interaction.  To be successful at persuading others to your way of thinking, for example, people must believe they are doing the right thing and this depends on their emotional reaction to you.

POWER people understand the importance of establishing authority in any interaction but they ignore the need to provide understanding and be liked.

WARMTH people work hard at trying to be liked but do not see the need to establish authority.

DISTANCE people ignore emotions altogether.
 

RATIONAL Vs EMOTIONAL BEHAVIOUR:

There is a great difference and it is important to understand this.

RATIONAL BEHAVIOUR is goal orientated.  We use logic and facts to asses a situation and help us decide on what action to take.  It is variable, we try one thing and if that does not work we try another.  We set goals and try and reach them.  We try to solve problems.  It is the kind of sensible behaviour we like to think we use all the time.

EMOTIONAL BEHAVIOUR, on the other hand, is quite different   It is orientated towards relieving inner tension.  In other words people do what makes themselves feel more comfortable and not what solves their problems.  They shout, kick, scream, run away, cry, sulk and procrastinate.

Aggression towards a third party is typical.  A person has a quarrel with their boss.  What does he do?  He takes it out of his subordinate colleagues or even his wife and children when he arrives home.  Does this help solve his problem? -  No, it just creates another one!  Emotions can escalate.

RECOGNISING EMOTIONS IN OTHERS:

How do you know someone is being emotional?  Some signs are so obvious I am not going to mention them  Others are:

Rigidity, both stance and behaviour.
Childishness.
Rationalisations.
Clenched fists.
Hostility.

Sitting back with crossed arms and legs with head down and a big frown - they are being close minded and/or hostile and rejecting your message.  Rubbing their hands together or stroking their arms and legs can be a sign of insecurity.  Jabbing motions with their finger or pen meaning they are angry and wanting to dominate you.  Moving towards you is interest and receptivity whereas moving away is being uninterested or unreceptive.  This is just scratching the surface, of course.  A full discussion on body language is beyond the scope of this study but one day I may compile such a study for this web site.

YOUR OWN EMOTIONS:

We all like to believe we are rational all the time but this is not so.  We respond to our own feelings by acting in a way that makes us feel more comfortable.  Many do not plan enough when we know it reduces our productivity.  We rationalise that we haven't the time when really it is because planning bores and irritates some of us.

Some other signs of emotional behaviour in us are:
Defensive behaviour.
Distrustful of others.
Fear of rejection.
Excessive dominance or dependency.
Impatience.
Over controlling.
Fast or loud talking.
Reluctance to act.
Tension
 

ACCEPT THE EMOTIONS OF OTHERS.
Concentrate on relaxing others then they will respond to you rather than their own emotions.  Do not try to evaluate their emotions of, say, an angry person by saying, "Calm down".  Show them you accept their feelings and say, "I would feel the same way", or "I can see why you're angry".  Listen visibly whilst they are talking by looking at them and responding with a nod from time to time.  Get them to talk, it relieves tension.  Repeat his remarks and ask for clarification.  Say; "So do I understand correctly that..."
 

SUMMARY:

Our three EXTREME personality types can be summarised as follows:

POWER people's reaction to others is to FIGHT.  Their hidden question is, "ARE YOU GOOD ENOUGH?"   Your best approach is SMOOTH DOMINANCE.

WARMTH people's reaction to others is WELCOME.  Their hidden question is, "DO YOU CARE?"  Your best approach is FRIENDLY DOMINANCE.

DISTANCE people's reaction to others is AVOID.  Their hidden question is, "ARE YOU LOGICAL?"  Your best approach is FACTS AND LOGIC.
 

HOW THE SOUL CAN BE MISTAKEN FOR THE SPIRIT:

I speak in "tongues" (1 Corinthians 12:10).  It is a wonderful Spiritual Gift which I value greatly.  I say this with humility as I am the least of God's people to be blessed with such a gift.  I speak in "tongues" regularly but as a prayer language and mainly in private.  However, I will pray this way in public if I feel moved so to do with others who pray in "tongues".  I will sing in "tongues" with others if I feel the Holy Spirit is leading.  But I do this mainly in private not because I am ashamed to speak out in public but because "tongues" comes from a believer's spirit through the soul and out of the body (remember the test tube).  In other words "tongues" comes via my personality and I am not given to extrovert behaviour.

A POWER person having a dominant personality will speak out in "tongues" more freely and with greater volume for reasons which you have read in this study.  This does not make them more "spiritual", it is the influence of their personality.  POWER people are not at all shy and will burst forth.  My experience has been that when POWER people speak in a louder voice and when they speak in "tongues" they are often louder than others.  DISTANCE people will speak in a much softer voice if one hears them at all.  They do not make a fuss!  They are reserved!  This is not a criticism of any personality type, it is just the way it is.  But it is not the spirit but the soul of the person that determines the volume.  It is the spirit of the person that determines the act itself.  The spirit manifests through the soul and without spiritual discernment can lead to confusion between spirit and soul.

Another Christian I know who is a POWER person, confuses spirit and soul in himself.  When he prays he prays very loudly and eloquently.  His fine words, oozing with ambition to impress, come straight from his emotional soul through his dominant personality.  Another seeks to impress every time he opens his mouth.

Oh, what a surprise we're going to get when all our dead works are burned up and we're left with our few works of the spirit with which to collect our reward!
 

SO NEXT TIME YOU HEAR SOMEONE SAY, "WELL, BLESS MY SOUL", YOU CAN SAY "AMEN" TO THAT.  AS WE WRESTLE TO TAME OUR SOUL WE CAN DO WITH ALL THE BLESSINGS WE CAN GET.  OUR SOULS ARE BEING SAVED STEP BY STEP, PRECEPT UPON PRECEPT UNTIL ONE DAY WHEN THE REFINER'S FIRE HAS DONE THE WORK, THE LORD WILL SAY TO US, "WELL DONE THOU GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT."
 

Bryce Kaye